Letter 2: 14 Reasons why Men cheat and what women should know.

Cheating is a broad subject, one that has shaken the foundations of marriages, spirituality, dignity, integrity, trust and faith. It’s devastating consequences affects us and marriages in many ways, including emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physiologically and even physically. Cheating is as old as man, even King David in 2 Samuel chapters 11 and 12 calculatedly and cunningly went after Uriah’s wife and faced the consequences (Read the story when you can).

While cheating cannot be condoned, the argument of justification rages on and the unfortunate variations in many cases of cheating draws more interest to the subject, especially in the area of understanding and getting help, hence a need to look at it more holistically. 

I am a Pastor and so according to the will of God I will look at this subject truthfully, practically, without bias, realistically and with unadulterated reference to the Word of God as recorded in the Holy Bible. This therefore defines my primary target audience include the following;
  • Bible believing Christians
  • Truth lovers
  • Married People (husbands and wives)
  • Singles willing to get understanding, not those in a “boyfriend-girlfriend” type of relationship.
Note: My article is first to the duly married (fulfilled all marital rites) for understanding and help and to the unmarried understanding only, so as not to encourage ‘boyfriend-girlfriend” type of relationships, involving sexual relations (which is fornication). Therefore I DO NOT refer to cheating outside marriage, however, to the engaged I say “be careful’, because if this topic is already on your plate before marriage, you are finished.

What is cheating?

  • When someone (either a husband, wife or engaged to be married) who is in a committed relationship breaks the trust of his or her partner by getting physically or emotionally involved with another person. 
  • Cheating may take different forms including kissing, smooching, cuddling, vaginal, anal, oral sex and any other contact that involves the lips, hands or genitals
  • Emotional cheating involves forming a close bond with someone of your preferred gender and basically forming a second relationship. This may or may not include physical cheating.

Why Men Cheat

It is true that a man does not need a reason to cheat, he just needs a willing woman, unlike most women who need a strong reason to cheat. These reasons outlined in this article are not excuses to justify any act of cheating, but describe situations (natural, circumstantial, spiritual, psychological, emotional, physical, physiological, spiritual, self initiated, non-self initiated, etc) that may or may not require organized and calculated external help toward the cure or discontinuation of cheating.

It is important to know that all evil does not come from God and all evil, pain, sorrow, frustration, weeping, despair, emotional asylum, loneliness, on their own and also when related to cheating as an outcome are all traced back to the devil who is out to steal, kill and destroy. 

So it is not the will of God that a man should cheat on his wife. Wives, exercise some restraint, hope your peace, and get understanding; you may find that you have more significant roles to play in helping your man become free from the shackles of cheating, roles far from heading to the divorce courts, but that of reconciliation and reconstruction.

1. No Fear of God in Him, inability to live right and be faithful.
  • Not doing away with the old man.
  • Not being saved, having the spirit of god and walking in the light.
  • Not investing spiritually in the renewal of the mind. Romans 12 vs 2.
  • Still under the control of the power of the law of sin. (Romans 1)
Romans 1 vs 14 - 25
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

2. Lust of the Flesh, Lust of the Eyes and the pride of Life. (See 1 John 2 vs 15 – 17)
  • Attraction and connection to the Temptations to Sin
1 John 2:15-17
15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

3. Spiritual or Generational Curse. 
  • Demon possession and Spirit of "Whoredom", Spiritual Strongholds

4. Carelessness, Selfishness
  • Personality change leading to irritation, including nagging.
  • Carelessness: Lack of Self Control which is not spiritually related.

5. Sex Addiction and Insatiability
  • Sex Addiction as a psychological disorder. Satyriasis (men) and nymphomaniac (women)
  • Insatiability and Randomness as a psychological disorder.
  • Addiction to Pornography. 

6. Lovelessness and Disconnect
  • Gradual or complete loss of Spark, Romance and love.
  • Complacency and inactivity. Taking vital elements of the marriage for granted.
  • Strain associated with Fruitlessness, Barrenness or Childlessness.
  • Loneliness in marriages

7. Sex Denial, Starvation and Deprivation in Marriage.
  • Denial due to tiredness or fatigue (mostly work related)
  • Denial set as punishment.
  • Denial/Deprivation during Quarrels (short or long spells).
  • Starvation due to lack of interest.
  • Starvation due to being incapacitated (Health related or deformity)

8. Provocation (from Light to Extreme cases) 
  • Indecent dressing and indecent exposure, including wearing mini-skirts and cleavage exposure.
  • Provocative physical appearance and mannerisms of women, including suggestive and misleading pose.

9. Power of Association (Read psalms chapter 1 verses 1 – end)
  • Influence of Friends, Colleagues and Acquaintances.
  • Drinking and smoking buddies
  • Influence of people with strong negative convictions and orientations.

10. Power of Location, “Sodomic” Environment.
  • Locations prone to high and open promiscuity, including slums, communes.
  • Highly advanced societies that condone sexual freedom through state policies etc.
  • Societies with extreme audio-visual bias and provocation, including outdoor advertising, electronic media, print media and social media.
  • Locations with Proliferation of Brothels, Night Clubs, Massage/beer parlours with heavy advertising.

11. Buyer’s Remorse, Choice-based Regrets and Errors.

  • Wrong Choice in Marriage, wishing to be with someone else.
  • Inequality of age, profile, class and status
  • Incompatibility based on humour and personal preferences.

12. Forced Unions
  • Fulfilling Parental Expectations and Selfish Personal or Financial Agenda.
  • Fulfilling Religious, Cultural, Societal or Political Agenda. 
  • Marriage strictly due to unplanned pregnancy or child/children involvement.
  • Fulfilling Polygamous and/or Royal Agenda.
  • Other Marital unions without mutual consent of the individuals involved.

13. Unions of Convenience.
  • Strictly as a business transaction, for financial security 
  • Marriage based on need for protection, shelter and/or food.
  • Unions “with no strings attached’.
  • Marital unions designed to satisfy state (government) or legal requirement, including immigration papers, medical and other benefits.

14. Long Distance Relationship and unavailability.
  • Two individuals living apart, different towns, two cities or countries (usually work related)
  • Two individual living together but one never around or physically unavailable; either constantly travelling or keeping late night.

Getting Help

Unfortunately, most women have zero understanding of the subject “cheating”; not that i blame them, after all cheating is a distraction and not something married people should have to worry about. However, to remain ignorant or be in denial is foolishness, because the world today is pure all round pornography.

Some women assume a “no nonsense”, “zero tolerance” approach to the whole cheating subject and have no apologies; who can fault them, or blame them, certainly not me, because they are well within their right and even backed by the word of God as the only reason to divorce a man.

More often than not, men are too blinded and foolish to see how much damage and hurt their cheating occasion or habit causes to their wives, their children, the family and the economy of the family. Women are more emotional than men, in that they don’t take cheating lightly and may not forgive a cheater, and when they do, they will never forget. 

Help Tips

1. Tell yourself the truth about the situation and decide wisely how you want to approach.

2. Consider the type of man you are married to in deciding how to approach the issue.

3. Consider the cost of your approach to addressing the issue, including the physical cost, as some men get violent when caught. I do not suggest that physical abuse is enough reason to not act, just be smart.

4. Identify the kind of cheating and how serious the cheating sickness is.

5. Focus on the cheating as a problem or sickness you are faced with, and not more on the cheating partner, this is because if your man is a chronic cheat, he’ll simply move on to another partner.

6. I advice that you see cheating as an addiction, just like drinking or smoking. See more on this below.

7. Find a way to deal with the pain, the hurt and the disappointment before you act.

8. Understand that as hard as it is, denying him sex is saying to him, he can get it elsewhere.

9. After point No 7. Find a way to create a friendly environment to discuss his cheating. Most men get into foolishness mode when caught and stop thinking rationally, just as most women throw caution to the wind when they find out about his cheating or even catch him in the act. Men feel the pain more when being approach in a friendly environment and women get more results.

10. Remember what Jesus said in John 8 vs 7, So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. 

11. If you have the spirit of God in you as a woman, then you must read the whole of John chapter 8. It will help you alot.

12. After point No. 9 and 10, agree with him on the best strategy or approach to stopping or addressing his cheating issue or sickness.

13. Identify truly which part of the cheating sickness he may have control over and those he may not have control over. See more on this below.

Understanding Cheating to be an addiction (like Drinking and Smoking)

Getting help is a process, but I what consider to be the most important point here is identifying that cheating is a sickness, a disorder, a spiritual stronghold over a man, just like alcohol addiction (drinking), nicotine addiction (smoking). Consider these facts;
  • If a woman cannot stop drinking and smoking in a man overnight, then she cannot stop a man’s cheating habit overnight.
  • A woman may succeed to stop a man from cheating with a particular woman overnight, but not the habit of cheating overnight. 
  • Just as drinking and smoking may require spiritual help, counselling or rehab, so also does cheating; it may require spiritual help, counselling or some form of rehab.
  • Just as the “Cold Turkey” approach may work is stopping drinking and smoking, so also the “Cold Turkey” approach may work in stopping the cheating habit in a man. Cold turkey here means “in a sudden and abrupt manner”.

Types of Control over Cheating

  • Factors within his control (only him can help himself; getting counsel, making decisions, praying, etc).
  • Factors without his control (his wife plays major role; ensuring sexual satisfaction, love and respect, etc).
  • Factors without his control (involves mostly spiritual help; get deliverance, counselling, etc).
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